Query Letter Critique

Original Query Letter

Dear ( Literary Agent)

This is the story of what happens when love comes between friends and friends become enemies in the battle to achieve your dreams….

Roxy Carson is 15, a sprinter and member of a girl gang. She is also hiding a secret – a major crush on gang leader, Charlice’s ex, Leo. Forced to choose between her friends and her dream, Roxy finds herself alone for the first time in her life.

Or is she?

As her relationship with Leo develops into something deeper, Roxy realises that she needs to stand up to Charlice in order to find true happiness. Determined to win Leo’s heart and the race, Roxy resolves to overcome any obstacles Charlice throws at her.

But events take a turn for the worse when Charlice, hell bent on destroying Roxy’s life forever, threatens the lives of the two people Roxy loves most - Leo and her little sister Leila.

Can Roxy find the courage she needs to save them? Or is this one battle she’ll never win?

‘Running Scared’ is a 24,000 YA issues-based thriller with a heavy dose of romance.

I am a Primary School teacher with a passion for writing. I was privileged enough to spend time on a week long course at the city Lit taught by Sophie McKenzie and have attended writing critique groups regularly, ever since – in between popping out two delightful bundles of joy of my own – yes babies not the book! Although both are similar in many, many ways…

I have completed the manuscript and have included the first three chapters as per your submission guidelines.

Thank you in advance for the time taken to consider my work, all comments would be greatly appreciated – the good, the bad and the ugly!

Kind Regards

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear ( Literary Agent)

This is the story of what happens when love comes between friends and friends become enemies in the battle to achieve your dreams…. *Warning!* This will be harsh-ish. Delicate flowers need not read on: Among the lines you should never, ever, include in a query letter is ‘this is the story of’. It's way telly, even for a letter in which you're supposed to tell us about your book. Plus this line is vague and doesn't really add anything to the query. If we delete it, do we lose any important piece of information? No? Then it goes!

Roxy Carson is 15, a sprinter and member of a girl gang. <I’ve read this query over a few times and I’m afraid I don’t think it’s clear why the running part is important. You mention it here, then with the ‘win the race’ line later (which I’ve noted is unclear), and of course in the title, but what part does this play in the plot? She is also hiding a secret – a major crush on gang leader, Charlice’s ex<This is good, but who is Charlice? And for the longest time I thought Charlice was the ex of Leo, who is the gang leader, because of the way it this sentence is written. Only cluing in to the fact that Roxy’s in a girl gang led to me to the thought that Leo’s not the leader.  Leo. Forced to choose between her friends and her dream<What’s her dream? Being with Leo? , Roxy finds herself alone for the first time in her life. <You’ve indented (some) of your paragraphs, which isn’t the correct formatting for a query letter. I’m not sure if it’s just an email formatting error, but just in case, paragraphs should be left justified without any tabs, with a single space to indicate a new paragraph.

Or is she?

As her relationship with Leo develops into something deeper, Roxy realises that she needs to stand up to Charlice in order to find true happiness. <What makes her realize this? This again reads as vague. Determined to win Leo’s heart and the race<What race? , Roxy resolves to overcome any obstacles Charlice throws at her. <This is pretty vague as well. What specifically are the obstacles? I’d ditch this whole para, actually, and insert one where Roxy and Leo have their secret, possibly steamy affair, which turns into something deeper. This would be a great segue into the next para, imo, where the stakes are revealed.

But events take a turn for the worse when Charlice, hell bent on destroying Roxy’s life forever, threatens the lives of the two people Roxy loves most - Leo and her little sister Leila. <Good

Can Roxy find the courage she needs to save them? The stakes aren’t clear here. What exactly does she have to do to get out of this dilemma? Or is this one battle she’ll never win?

‘Running Scared’ is a 24,000 <This is a VERY low word count for YA, which is worrisome. I’m afraid that with a word count this low, it wouldn’t matter if the query was 100% perfect, you might still get rejections. You’d have to be at least double 24K to be in a safe range for non-middle-grade YA. Here’s a helpful post from the now defunct but still uber helpful Bookends, LLC blog   On another note, the title should be entirely capitalized YA issues-based thriller with a heavy dose of romance.

I am a Primary School teacher with a passion for writing. I was privileged enough to spend time on a week long course at the city Lit taught by Sophie McKenzie and have attended writing critique groups regularly, ever since – in between popping out two delightful bundles of joy of my own – yes babies not the book! Although both are similar in many, many ways… Kids aren’t a writing credential so they don’t belong on a professional query letter.

I have completed the manuscript and  If you’re querying, it’s a given that the book is completed (Or else it should be!).have included the first three chapters as per your submission guidelines. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you in advance for the time taken to consider my work, all comments would be greatly appreciated – the good, the bad and the ugly! It’s unlikely an agent will comment on your work if they’re rejecting it based on your query, whether you ask them nicely or not. I’d leave this out because it’s a bit amateurish and possibly unprofessional.

Kind Regards <Regards is not capitalized, and there should be a comma after it. I know—nitpicky—but I can’t help myself.

(Name redacted)

I’m sorry, author, if I’ve come across as harsh here, but I’m afraid there is a lot of work to be done on this query. There’s definitely an interesting premise in here, one that I’d love to read about, but I don’t think it’s coming across as well as it could.

You started off the query pretty strong, with the ‘What does Roxy want’ aspect. The ‘What stands in Roxy’s way’ bit became a bit muddled. Charlice, obviously, but why? Because she’s the leader of the gang? Because she still loves her ex? Because she's just crazy and she’ll cut a b*tch? I want to feel the danger element of this forbidden love.

‘What does Roxy have to do to get what she wants’ is unclear as well. What exactly does she have to do to defeat Charlice? What’s will happen to Roxy if she fails?

Again, I’m sorry for the candor, but I think it’s necessary. I love my followers and want all of you to get a bazillion million full requests!

Good luck in your revisions, and thanks so much for sharing your query with me. You guys are brave!