Query Critique

It's that time again y'all!

This week's query was so nicely done I was hard pressed to find things to pick at. Alas I did find a few things...and then got carried away as usual. But it was very well done! On a little side note, I've been asked by a few people how to enter query letters for critique, and so you will notice a new tab at the top with instructions. Thanks, authors, for participating! It's loads of fun.

Original Query Letter

Dear (Agent),

Eighteen-year-old Sir Caspric Graey wants exactly two things.

First, he wants to do something so heroic that the king will award him an estate of his own.  If he doesn’t acquire his own estate, he’ll have to live—or rather, endure—a life of dependency on his older brother.  Retrieving Contoria's lost prince seems like the perfect opportunity for estate-winning heroism.  That is, until some idiot steals the magical talisman needed to transport the prince home.  All evidence suggests this “someone” is Caspric’s older brother, but if Caspric incriminates him, he’ll be banished for betraying a member of his family.

The second thing Caspric wants is simpler, but just as difficult.  He wants to know who Mera, his family’s newest maidservant, is.  He saw her arrive in the middle of the night on a horse with golden tack, she's shockingly defiant, and she has an uncanny talent for swordplay.  She also happens to be gorgeous, but that, of course, is beside the point.

Unknown to Caspric, the attempts to keep the prince away from Contoria have a lot more than his older brother behind them, and Mera is much, much more than a maidservant.  The danger that sent the prince into exile has come back to haunt not only His Royal Highness, but Caspric and Mera as well.  If Caspric doesn’t figure out all this by the king’s birthday, he will mistakenly incriminate his brother, get himself banished, lose sight of Mera forever, and leave the prince to a horrible fate. 

THE MADMAN’S CROWN is a young adult fantasy novel told from multiple viewpoints.  The first in a potential series, it is complete at 100,000 words.  (Personal connection/why this agent.)  

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

{Contact info redacted}

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws on it

Dear (Agent),

Eighteen-year-old Sir Caspric Graey wants exactly two things.

First, he wants to do something so heroic that the king will award him an estate of his own.  If he doesn’t acquire his own estate, he’ll have to live—or rather, endure—a life of dependency on his older brother.  Retrieving Contoria's lost prince seems like the perfect opportunity for estate-winning heroism.  That is, until some idiot steals the magical talisman needed to transport the prince home.  All evidence suggests this “someone” is Caspric’s older brother, but if Caspric incriminates him, he’ll be banished for betraying a member of his family. This is great! There isn’t a thing I’d change in this para. Intriguing and very, very well written.

The second thing Caspric wants is simpler, but just as difficult.  He wants to know who Mera, his family’s newest maidservant, is.<Feels like there could be a smoother way to word this sentence. A bit bumpy, what with the commas breaking it up  He saw her arrive in the middle of the night on a horse with golden tack, <This is a comma splice. I’d suggest a period here to fix this she's shockingly defiant, and she has an uncanny talent for swordplay.  She also happens to be gorgeous, but that, of course, is beside the point.

Unknown to Caspric, the attempts to keep the prince away from Contoria have a lot more than his older brother behind them, and Mera is much, much more than a maidservant. Sounds like a great plot! The danger that sent the prince into exile has come back to haunt not only His Royal Highness, but Caspric and Mera as well.  If Caspric doesn’t figure out <I get to be REALLY picky on you because this query is so well done to begin with. Can you use a stronger verb in place of ‘figure out’? Might make the stakes sound more exciting. How about ‘if Caspric can’t unravel the mystery by…’ Or something like that, anyway all this by the king’s birthday, he will mistakenly incriminate his brother, get himself banished, lose sight of Mera forever, and leave the prince to a horrible fate. <There’s something not quite right with the stakes here. The way this is worded makes it sound like this is exactly what happens in the book instead of what might happen. Also, the wording isn’t quite as exciting as it needs to be, making it fall a little flat. I suggest changing out the wording ‘he will mistakenly…’ to something like ‘he could mistakenly…’. Also, I’d like to see the last stake, ‘leave the prince to a horrible fate’, worded in such a way that it has more impact. It has so much potential but the word choices don’t really do it justice.

THE MADMAN’S CROWN is a young adult fantasy novel told from multiple viewpoints.  The first in a potential series, it is complete at 100,000 words.  (Personal connection/why this agent.)  This is great! I love that this book is told in multiple POVs, yet the author didn’t muddy the query by trying to fit in everyone’s perspective. Though she did such a great job handling this, I was asked for advice on how to write a query letter for a book with multiple POVs, so I give you all this link to a post on Query Shark. This query is an excellent example of how to handle this situation.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

{Contact info redacted}