Query Letter Critique

Original Query Letter

Dear [Ms./Mr. Agent Name];

For sixteen-year-old Lilly, life unfolds according to God’s Plan. But after befriending Parker at a New Year’s Eve party, his insight into free will causes Lilly to rediscover who’s really in control of her fate. Our choices, not some ultimate plan, shape our lives. Thanks to Parker, Lilly accepts full responsibility of her actions, and the risk of falling in love with him. Although fascinating, Parker is abusing drugs in an attempt to escape a deadbeat mother and a Christian extremist father. But, if she can replace Parker’s next quick fix, she thinks they can have a happy future together.

On her way home from work, Lilly is assaulted by a classmate. Before, she would have thought God commanded it. Now, she knows that people have the power to both heal and to destroy. With the trial of her offender drawing near, Lilly turns to Parker for comfort, but he’s tampering with his favorite substances again. If she can just inspire meaning in his life, he can restore meaning in hers. It isn’t easy. One moment he’s putting down the needle, the next he’s shooting up. If Parker doesn’t abandon his old life, Lilly must find the strength to fight for herself; a strength that can’t help but inspire others to live with purpose.

BATTLEGROUND is a contemporary novel for young adults, complete at 60,000 words.

I work as a college-level writing assistant and tutor in writing and literature. I am the former opinion editor for the Linn-Benton Community College newspaper, The Commuter, and write the weekly opinion column Straight from the Hartsock and the humor column Dear Conscience.

Thank you for considering BATTLEGROUND.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear [Ms./Mr. Agent Name];

For sixteen-year-old Lilly, life unfolds according to God’s Plan. <Nice opening line! But after befriending Parker at a New Year’s Eve party, his fascinating insight into free will causes Lilly to rediscover question who’s really in control of her fate. Our choices, not some ultimate plan, shape our lives. The way this is stated is a bit too telly, in my opinion. I’ve suggested where you can insert this below. Thanks to Parker (obvious), Lilly accepts full responsibility of her actions, and the risk of falling in love with him. <I’d like to see this expanded upon so that the two thoughts merge a little more smoothly. What draws Lily to Parker? Why does she believe his views, especially when he’s apparently a druggie? I’m assuming it’s the ‘he’s fascinating’ factor. Can you work that in earlier so that the thoughts connect better? Suggestion (which you are totally welcome to ignore!) ‘Lily embraces a new outlook on life: our choices, and not some ultimate plan, shape our lives. Her first choice under this new mind set? Allow herself to fall in love with Parker, even if all signs point to him being a drug addict. (only less sucky :P) Although fascinating, Parker is abusing drugs in an attempt to escape a deadbeat mother and a Christian extremist father. <This is very interesting, but I’m not sure you need this in the query since it’s ultimately about Lily. Parker does sound very fascinating though. And much of the query seems to focus on him. Are you sure Lily is your main character? But, if she can replace Parker’s next quick fix<This is a bit confusing. I’m assuming you mean replace it, as in, Lily will take the place of drugs in his life, but it sort of comes off like she might replace his heroin with a placebo J Which obviously isn’t the case. , she thinks they can have a happy future together.

On her way home from work, Lilly is assaulted by a classmate. <I’m not sure that it’s clear in this query (or the other, more on that later) what role the assault takes in the main plot. It’s like it’s introduced and then not tied up, or like it’s a completely separate plot running alongside the main plot instead of complementing and escalating the stakes for the main plot. I’m sure this isn’t the case with the book, but it appears that way in the query. Before, she would have thought God commanded it. Now, she knows that people have the power to both heal and to destroy. With the trial of her offender drawing near, Lilly turns to Parker for comfort, but he’s tampering with his favorite substances again. If she can just inspire meaning in his life, he can restore meaning in hers. It isn’t easy. One moment he’s putting down the needle, the next he’s shooting up. If Parker doesn’t abandon his old life, Lilly must find the strength to fight for herself; a strength that can’t help but inspire others to live with purpose. I can see what you’re trying to do here with the last few sentences, but I’m afraid it’s falling a bit short. This query starts off pretty strong, but it plateaus around the time the sexual assault is mentioned (which is theoretically when the query should be the most exciting, as you’re just introducing the stakes). Exciting and concrete stakes are key. Sure we can probably deduce them by picking apart the query, but I think it would pack much more of a punch if they were laid out nicely for the reader. In the last few sentences you focus very much on the moral underpinnings on the book, but first and foremost we need to know, in no uncertain terms, what Lily stands to lose if she fails.

BATTLEGROUND is a contemporary novel for young adults, complete at 60,000 words.

I work as a college-level writing assistant and tutor in writing and literature. I am the former opinion editor for the Linn-Benton Community College newspaper, The Commuter, and write the weekly opinion column Straight from the Hartsock and the humor column Dear Conscience. Great credentials. All’s good here J

Thank you for considering BATTLEGROUND. <Love the title, btw!

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

I’ve been quite verbose in my critique, but it’s because I want this to be the best query humanly possible and for this author to get a gagillion million full requests. I just don’t think this is quite there yet.

Now in the interest of fairness, the author did send a shorter/different version after this one. I liked the original better so I asked to critique it instead. I felt there was more to work with, more meat to the story. But see for yourself below and maybe one of my lovely writerly counterparts will jump in and contradict me.

Before sixteen-year-old Lilly met Parker, she believed life unfolds according to God’s Plan. After Parker presses her mind beyond the limited bounds it once knew, Lilly decides that she controls her own destiny. But besides fascinating, Parker is a drug addict, and Lilly may find that falling in love with him is the worst choice she can make. And when she’s the victim of an assault, she has to face the fact that people have the power to both heal and destroy. Although the trial of her offender is drawing near, saving Parker from his next quick fix is more important. If she can just inspire meaning in his life, he can restore meaning in hers. In the end, Lilly must find the strength to fight only for herself; a strength that can’t help but inspire others to live with purpose.

And…GO!