Query Letter Critique

First of all, if you haven't already headed over to author Philip Siegel's blog to congratulate him on landing an agent and to read his success story (he was entry #13-The Breakup Artist in the Christmas in July contest!) then you should take a moment now to do that. I'm so freaking thrilled for Philip and his wonderful agent Becky. THRILLED!!

Now, on to the business of critiquing...

Original Query Letter

Dear Mrs. Fabulous,

Hitler’s forces obliterate Dominik Faust’s sleepy French town, burning his family alive, and nearly cost him his life. War, sounds of mechanized oppression, witnessing his family burned alive, are some of the final memories the strikingly handsome seventeen-year-old has as a human. Hitler’s conquest of France during World War II devours both his naïve innocence and mortality.

The interference of Valkari Unger, a roaming vampire, both saves him and this supposed act of salvation puts Dominik center stage during the most horrific period of Earth’s history.

With hate-filled abandon, he starts on a path of vengeance and retribution. His actions entangle the vampire race with Hitler’s little-known obsession, and real reason for the war: immortality for himself and the Third Reich. Hitler has a powerful ally in this unholy endeavor: Hadrian Donovan, the last of a second immortal species that were defeated by the vampires in an ancient rebellion. His nefarious motives are simplistically narrow – revenge.

In the final moments of the Third Reich, Hitler succeeds in obtaining his goal: the transformation into a hybrid of the two immortal species. His ambitions also undergo a transformation of godly proportion. He sets in motion a coup d'état of biblical scale, the dethroning of God. With hell’s fallen angels as allies, the course is set for supernatural battle between his forces and God’s army near the ancient ruins of Tel Megiddo.

This unprecedented threat results in an unlikely alliance between God’s army and the vampires. United in their cause, Dominik and the vampire elders stand shoulder-to-shoulder with some of the most powerful angels in biblical history. The cataclysmic struggle will decide the survival of humanity, vampires, and God himself.

BLOOD AND SHADOWS is complete at 127,000 words, and is the first of a three-book series.

Your time and attention are greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

(Name and contact info redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Mrs. Fabulous,

Hitler’s forces obliterate Dominik Faust’s sleepy French town, burning his family alive, and nearly cost him his life. <While there’s nothing technically wrong with this sentence, I feel it reads as off. I would have said, ‘burning his family alive and nearly costing him his life’, though I’m not sure that either sentence is the most striking first line for this query. War, sounds of mechanized oppression, witnessing his family burned alive<To use Ruth Lauren Steven’s term, this reads as ‘samey’. You just mentioned his family was burned alive. In a query letter of 250-300 words, every word counts, so don’t waste them! Speaking of word count, you’re at the high end, at over 300. Are you sure all these words are working for you?, are some of the final memories the strikingly handsome seventeen-year-old has as a human. Hitler’s conquest of France during World War II devours both his naïve innocence and mortality. I feel like this paragraph is three sentences long when it could really boil down to one, and be more striking for it. Something like ‘When Hitler obliterates seventeen-year-old Dominik Faust’s sleepy French town, burning his family alive and nearly costing him his life, he steals not just his innocence, but his mortality.

The interference of Valkari Unger, a roaming vampire, both saves him <Huh? There’s something missing here. Both saves him and who else? It’s like you didn’t finish your thought before delving into another one and this supposed act of salvation puts Dominik center stage during the most horrific period of Earth’s history. <And do you need to name this vampire? There are many confusing names in this query, and I question the need for them. Valkari doesn’t come up again, leading me to believe you can just say ‘roaming vampire’ and leave it at that.

With hate-filled abandon, he starts on a path of vengeance and retribution. His actions entangle the vampire race with Hitler’s little-known obsession,<errant comma and real reason for the war: immortality for himself and the Third Reich. This premise is pretty unique and interesting, but even though I’m the first to say that anything can be done if executed well, I do have to wonder what kind of positive responses you’ll get just based on the vampire factor alone. It’s been done to death in recent years. Hitler has a powerful ally in this unholy endeavor: Hadrian Donovan, the last of a second immortal species that were defeated by the vampires in an ancient rebellion. His nefarious motives are simplistically narrow – revenge.

In the final moments of the Third Reich, Hitler succeeds in obtaining his goal: the transformation into a hybrid of the two immortal species. His ambitions also undergo a transformation of godly proportion. He sets in motion a coup d'état of biblical scale, the dethroning of God. <Touchy subject! Interesting though. With hell’s fallen angels as allies, the course is set for supernatural battle between his forces and God’s army near the ancient ruins of Tel Megiddo. Love the unique setting.

This unprecedented threat results in an unlikely alliance between God’s army and the vampires. Fun! United in their cause, Dominik and the vampire elders stand shoulder-to-shoulder with some of the most powerful angels in biblical history. The cataclysmic struggle will decide the survival of humanity, vampires, and God himself. Making God a character in your book—now that’s ballsy!

BLOOD AND SHADOWS is complete at 127,000 words<What is the genre?, and is the first of a three-book series. <This is a tad bit worrisome. Though a higher word count is acceptable and even required for fantasy stuff where world-building is involved, you are at the higher limit of acceptable. And then you go and mention the three-book series without saying that the first book can stand alone. This may give some agents pause, causing them wonder if you haven’t tied up the story in the generous 127K words that you’ve already used.

Your time and attention are greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

(Name and contact info redacted)

You write well. That needs to be said, first and foremost. I think it’s obvious that you’ve put time and energy into honing your craft, and it shows.

Having said that, this query does need a bit of work. The premise is pretty dang fascinating (despite the vampires), but I think that fact gets a bit lost in the wordy and sometimes-confusing query. I think the biggest thing missing here is a central focus. You start the query with Dominic, but then it’s as though Hitler is the protagonist, and then this Hadrian character, and then we’re back to Dominic. But at no point do we learn what Dominik really wants and what he has to risk to get it. I mean, it’s hinted at: vengeance and retribution, but it’s not tied up with the later plot, so I almost forget you even mentioned it in the first place. You mentioned his family being brutally killed in the beginning—does this motivate him in the final struggle?

Basically, it boils down to this: who is your main character? What does he want, what stands in his way to getting what he wants, and what does he risk if he fails? It can be tempting to mention every plot and subplot, as well as every character and supporting character (by full name!) in your book, but I’d advise you to resist this temptation. Just try to stick to the basics, be voicey, and keep it exciting. Easy right? Er…

In any case, I wish you the best of luck in your querying endeavors, and thank you so much for letting me have a look!