Query Letter Critique

Original Query Letter

Dear (Agent):

As heir to the Shadow Realms, sixteen-year-old Bramlyn Shadowborne should excel at lies and have a talent for evil; but with the simple Gift of Healing, Bram is forced to concede her throne to her twin who wields far darker powers and is more than willing to use them. Bram flees to the only place that will give her sanctuary, the most powerful out of the nine Kingdoms of Light. The King grants her clemency on three conditions. Bram must hone her Gift for his use, renounce all ties to her people, and sit on his Council as adviser on the Shadow Realms. Seeing as how death is her only other option, Bram agrees.

Bram is just settling into life in a foreign court when urgent messages from home arrive. Her people beg her to overthrow her twin who has gone mad with power and launched a bloody massacre against his people. Bram refuses, fearing for her life in the Kingdom of Light. When her people start a rebellion in her name, she must choose between aiding the rebels or protecting the kingdom that gave her sanctuary. Bram is torn. If she chooses to help her country, the Kingdoms of Light will declare war. If she chooses to remain in the Kingdom of Light, it means her twin’s plan for domination will succeed.

BLOOD AND HONOR is a young adult fantasy novel complete at 90,000 words. It is a standalone story with potential for a sequel. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Thank you for your time,

(Name and contact info redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear (Agent):

As heir to the Shadow Realms <Shadow and Bone alert! In case you’re not familiar, Shadow and Bone is a recent NYT bestseller by author Leigh Bardugo. There’s a Shadow Fold in the book. Without reading your book, it strikes me as samey. Actually, now that I’ve read the query something else seems a bit familiar about it as well. It’s a bit like Graceling by Kristin Cashore, what with the realms of the Kingdom and special powers and trying to save the Kingdom from an evil family member. I love both of those books though! , sixteen-year-old Bramlyn Shadowborne should excel at lies and have a talent for evil; <Technically you aren’t supposed to use a conjunction and semicolon together. The point of the semicolon here would be to join two sentences where the conjunction has been left out. Would this type of error get you rejected? No, probably not. Still… but with the simple Gift of Healing, Bram is forced to concede her throne to her twin (comma) who wields far darker powers and is more than willing to use them.  This sounds fantastic! I like the premise, I love the twin aspect (twin power!), and I love the name Bram. Bram flees <I’m curious, why does Bram have to flee? The way I read it, she gave up the throne to her twin. I didn’t see a danger to Bram that would cause her to have to run away, just that she wasn’t in the throne anymore. I’d make that more clear. to the only place that will give her sanctuary, the most powerful out of the nine Kingdoms of Light. The King grants her clemency on three conditions. <This would be a great place to use a colon. Bram must hone her Gift for his use, renounce all ties to her people, and sit on his Council as adviser on the Shadow Realms. Seeing as how death is her only other option, Bram agrees. <This is all really good. So far, besides a few punctuation things, the only issue is making the danger aspect more prominent sooner.

Bram is just settling into life in a foreign court when urgent messages from home arrive. Fun! Her people beg her to overthrow her twin Feels like a comma is needed here. who has gone mad with power and launched a bloody massacre against his people. Bram refuses, fearing for her life in the Kingdom of Light <This is a bit confusing. It sounds as though her life is in danger because of a threat inside the Kingdom of Light. Is that what you mean?  When her people start a rebellion in her name<Again, a bit confusing (unless I’m slow, which is also possible). Is it her people back home, or her new people in the KOL that start a rebellion? , she must choose between aiding the rebels or protecting the kingdom that gave her sanctuary. Bram is torn. Implied. If she chooses to helps her country, the Kingdoms of Light will declare war. If she chooses to remains in the Kingdom of Light, it means her twin’s plan for domination will succeed. <To be honest, the stakes come off a bit weak here. Which is too bad, since the rest of the query is so strong. But I don’t think much is needed to bring this to another level. Maybe expand on the war description—‘If she helps her country, she both betrays the people that gave her sanctuary and causes them to declare a war that will put even more lives in danger. If she remains in the Kingdom of Light, her twin’s plan for domination will succeed, and (whatever consequences of that).’ Probably you can even do a line here about what kind of life her people would live under his iron rule. Basically, show us just how bad both options are. Don’t make us guess and surmise. This is your big opportunity to WOW an agent.

BLOOD AND HONOR is a young adult fantasy novel complete at 90,000 words. It is a standalone story with potential for a sequel. I look forward to hearing back from you. <All good here! The title is a bit bland, no offence, but that could be just me.

Thank you for your time,

(Name and contact info redacted)

You’re very close already, author. This sounds really great. You know what also might be nice? (and this is totally not required, but it might make this query come alive a bit more). If you made mention on her feelings towards her twin. How does she feel having inherited the lesser powers than her twin? Having been ousted from her country? When her twin launches this bloody massacre? When she has to go up against him? It could even be something as simple as ‘To save her nation, Bram has to kill her own brother. Which is easier said that done’ (‘Cept not dumb like that :D ). Just an idea! But like I said, you’re close already. Good luck!