Query Letter Critique

Original Query Letter

Dear Agent,

Thirteen-year-old Riley Jenkins grew up under the constant evening glow of Manhattan, so when she moves to Montana she’s awed by the vastness of its night sky - until a constellation descends to Earth and tries to kill her.

Triston, a strange boy who saves her from the constellation, convinces her that she is the Scribe of the Stars. As Scribe, she can bend constellations to her will and receive unique “gifts” from each of the twelve Zodiac. One problem though, the thirteenth Zodiac, Ophiuchus, has returned with a vengeance and is manipulating constellations to believe the Scribe has stolen stars and caused numerous natural disasters across the world.

Now more than ever, Riley would give anything to go back to New York. There's no way she's up for this! She's not noble and brave like Triston had expected of the legendary Scribe. Sorry to disappoint.

But to protect innocent people caught in the line of fire, she must confront these walking celestial connect-the-dots. So with Triston by her side, and an ancient weapon holding fragments of stardust, Riley battles constellations along with her own fears of accepting this new life and her new home - all while saving the earth and its heavens.

SCRIBE OF THE STARS is an upper level middle grade novel with series potential. It is complete at 78,000 words. Readers who enjoy Fablehaven, The Ashtown Burials and Leven Thumps series are sure to fall in love with its blend of astronomy and adventure.

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Agent, (You do plan on writing the specific agent’s name here, right?)

Thirteen-year-old Riley Jenkins grew up under the constant evening glow of Manhattan, so when she moves to Montana she’s awed by the vastness of its night sky - until a constellation descends to Earth and tries to kill her. STARDUST ALERT!! Upon reading this opener, my mind immediately went to my all-time favorite movie (and killer Neil Gaiman book) Stardust, which features a star that falls out of the sky.The main character in Stardust? Tristan. I’d strongly reconsider a name change here, at the very least. Otherwise a nice solid opener.

Triston, a strange boy who saves her from the constellation, convinces her that she is the Scribe of the Stars. At this point I’m wondering what form the constellation takes. Is it a fiery mass, as you’d assume, or something else, like how in Stardust the star is actually a person (this isn’t a spoiler, btw, it happens in the first 10 minutes.) How does Triston save her and why does he do it? How does he know she’s a scribe? As Scribe, she can bend constellations to her will and receive unique “gifts” from each of the twelve Zodiac. <What kind of gifts? One problem though,<A colon or an em dash is called for here, not a comma the thirteenth Zodiac, Ophiuchus, has returned with a vengeance and is manipulating constellations to believe <Okay, so not just a fiery mass. I think this needs explaining. What are the constellations in this book? the Scribe has stolen stars and caused numerous natural disasters  across the world.

Now more than ever, Riley would give anything to go back to New York. There's no way she's up for this! She's not noble and brave like Triston had expected of the legendary Scribe. Sorry to disappoint. These last two sentences, while I know are aiming for voicey, don’t add anything to the query. It’s an unnecessarily long segue, when every word counts.

But to protect innocent people literally caught in the line of fire, she must confront these walking celestial connect-the-dots. <Cute! So with Triston by her side, and an ancient weapon holding fragments of stardust, Riley battles constellations along with her own fears of accepting this new life and her new home - all while saving the earth and its heavens. <It was all pretty solid in terms of structure up until this point. You’re telling us what happens as though this were a synopsis—think of the query as the blurb on the back of a book. You want to entice the agent to read more, but not tell them how the entire book plays out. What does Riley need to do? What stands in his way to achieving this? What will happen if she fails? Leave us hanging there.

SCRIBE OF THE STARS is an upper level middle grade novel with series potential. It is complete at 78,000 <Upper level is right! words. Readers who enjoy Fablehaven, The Ashtown Burials and Leven Thumps series are sure to fall in love <I’d be careful about this sort of wordage. ‘Sure to fall in love’ is a strong statement to make about your own book. Others may disagree, but it smacks a bit of arrogance. Something simple like ‘it would appeal to readers of…’ always works well with its blend of astronomy and adventure.

As always, thanks so much for sharing your query letter with me! This is a solid start, and with a bit of tidying up will be in great shape for querying. Good luck!