Original Query Letter
Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Name)
Andrea Smith and her friends learn that they have fallen into a
killer's trap. It all begins with a prank on a classmate that goes entirely
wrong.
As if the prank wasn't bad enough, they accidentally kill the
kid that was label a social outcast by their school. So they cover up the
murder and lie to the police about it. They think they got away with the crime.
But it will catch up with them sooner than they could have imagined.
Little do they know that someone close to the victim was
watching them that fateful night. Someone who won't stop at anything to exact
revenge. When a couple of Andrea's friends mysteriously disappear, she knows
something bad is going on.
After receiving death threats, almost getting shot in a drive-by
shooting, and having a strange person reach out to her in cyberspace, now she
knows that this killer has hit too close to home. She grows frightened by
the day and tries to find out who this person is in order to stop the mayhem.
She wonder if it's one of her friends or a scorned lover from a
past relationship only because the killer knows many personal details
about her. Andrea must solve the mystery quickly because her own life depends
on it.
I recently published an article in Sync magazine. CRUEL
SACRIFICES: BITTER SWEET MEMORIES, is a 53,000 word Young Adult novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Name
redacted)
Query Letter After I
Got My Grubby Paws On It
Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Name)
Andrea Smith and her friends learn that they Unnecessarily wordy have fallen into a
killer's trap. It all begins with a prank on a classmate that goes entirely
wrong. <I
would move this second sentence down so that it’s the start of the next
paragraph to highlight the first sentence, which is pretty dang good.
As if the prank wasn't bad enough, they accidentally
kill someone the kid that was label a social
outcast by their school. Not important. So they cover up the murder and lie to the police about
it. They think they got away with the crime. But it will catch up with them
sooner than they could have imagined. I hate to say it, but main characters aren’t
coming across as very sympathetic here. At first we learn they’ve fallen into a
killer’s trap, but actually they themselves are killers (and seemingly
unremorseful, immoral ones at that—I would highlight that they cover up the
death and lie to the cops because they’re scared, etc., etc., so they don’t
come across this way.
Little do they know that someone close to the victim was
watching them that fateful night. Someone who won't stop at anything to exact
revenge. When a couple of Andrea's friends mysteriously disappear, she knows
something bad is going on. I apologize for the bluntness to come, but the plot so far
sounds a little too similar to I Know
What You Did Last Summer—a group of teens accidentally kills someone and
now a mystery killer is after them, but who?
After receiving death threats, almost getting shot in a drive-by
shooting, and having a strange person reach out to her in cyberspace After trying to shoot her,
contacting her on the internet comes across as anticlimactic. Reword? , now she knows that
this killer has hit too close to home. She grows frightened by the day and
tries to find out who this person is in order to stop the mayhem.
She wonder if it's one of her friends or a scorned lover<Scorned lovers
doesn’t sound like a YA plot. from a past relationship only because the killer
knows many personal details about her. Andrea must solve the mystery
quickly because her own life depends on it.
I recently published an article in Sync magazine. <Move this
down to after the next sentence. CRUEL SACRIFICES: BITTER SWEET MEMORIES,
Just my
opinion but the title sounds much better without this addition. More punchy. is a 53,000 word
Young Adult novel. What genre? Contemporary? Thriller?
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(Name
redacted)
To
be completely honest, this query needs some work. I could have gone more
in-depth with my critique but I’m not sure it’d serve much of a purpose as
there just doesn’t seem to be enough plot here to carry a whole novel. Perhaps
this isn’t the case at all and it’s just how it comes across in the query (Damn
query letters! So hard!), but what I’ve read so far seems like a basic plot
that could be great if expanded on, but one that has been done before. What
it’s missing is the BUT element that would take it to the next level—Andrea and
her friends cover up a murder. Now the murderer is after them and they have to
find out who is it before their time is up. BUT such and such complication
happens. Now what? This is just an example, of course, but hopefully you see
what I mean.
Again,
very sorry to have been so blunt, but I’ve done so with the sincere hope that
it helps push you in the right direction. What I would suggest is linking up
with writing groups or a critique partner if you haven’t already done that.
Scribophile.com is fantastic and I couldn’t recommend it enough.
Best
of luck, author! And have a great New Year.