Query Letter Critique

Original Query Letter

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Name)

Andrea Smith and her friends learn that they have fallen into a killer's trap. It all begins with a prank on a classmate that goes entirely wrong.

As if the prank wasn't bad enough, they accidentally kill the kid that was label a social outcast by their school. So they cover up the murder and lie to the police about it. They think they got away with the crime. But it will catch up with them sooner than they could have imagined.

Little do they know that someone close to the victim was watching them that fateful night. Someone who won't stop at anything to exact revenge. When a couple of Andrea's friends mysteriously disappear, she knows something bad is going on.

After receiving death threats, almost getting shot in a drive-by shooting, and having a strange person reach out to her in cyberspace, now she knows that this killer has hit too close to home. She grows frightened by the day and tries to find out who this person is in order to stop the mayhem.

She wonder if it's one of her friends or a scorned lover from a past relationship only because the killer knows many personal details about her. Andrea must solve the mystery quickly because her own life depends on it.

I recently published an article in Sync magazine. CRUEL SACRIFICES: BITTER SWEET MEMORIES, is a 53,000 word Young Adult novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Name)

Andrea Smith and her friends learn that they Unnecessarily wordy have fallen into a killer's trap. It all begins with a prank on a classmate that goes entirely wrong. <I would move this second sentence down so that it’s the start of the next paragraph to highlight the first sentence, which is pretty dang good.

As if the prank wasn't bad enough, they accidentally kill someone the kid that was label a social outcast by their school. Not important. So they cover up the murder and lie to the police about it. They think they got away with the crime. But it will catch up with them sooner than they could have imagined. I hate to say it, but main characters aren’t coming across as very sympathetic here. At first we learn they’ve fallen into a killer’s trap, but actually they themselves are killers (and seemingly unremorseful, immoral ones at that—I would highlight that they cover up the death and lie to the cops because they’re scared, etc., etc., so they don’t come across this way.  

Little do they know that someone close to the victim was watching them that fateful night. Someone who won't stop at anything to exact revenge. When a couple of Andrea's friends mysteriously disappear, she knows something bad is going on. I apologize for the bluntness to come, but the plot so far sounds a little too similar to I Know What You Did Last Summer—a group of teens accidentally kills someone and now a mystery killer is after them, but who?

After receiving death threats, almost getting shot in a drive-by shooting, and having a strange person reach out to her in cyberspace After trying to shoot her, contacting her on the internet comes across as anticlimactic. Reword? , now she knows that this killer has hit too close to home. She grows frightened by the day and tries to find out who this person is in order to stop the mayhem.

She wonder if it's one of her friends or a scorned lover<Scorned lovers doesn’t sound like a YA plot. from a past relationship only because the killer knows many personal details about her. Andrea must solve the mystery quickly because her own life depends on it.

I recently published an article in Sync magazine. <Move this down to after the next sentence. CRUEL SACRIFICES: BITTER SWEET MEMORIES, Just my opinion but the title sounds much better without this addition. More punchy. is a 53,000 word Young Adult novel. What genre? Contemporary? Thriller? 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

To be completely honest, this query needs some work. I could have gone more in-depth with my critique but I’m not sure it’d serve much of a purpose as there just doesn’t seem to be enough plot here to carry a whole novel. Perhaps this isn’t the case at all and it’s just how it comes across in the query (Damn query letters! So hard!), but what I’ve read so far seems like a basic plot that could be great if expanded on, but one that has been done before. What it’s missing is the BUT element that would take it to the next level—Andrea and her friends cover up a murder. Now the murderer is after them and they have to find out who is it before their time is up. BUT such and such complication happens. Now what? This is just an example, of course, but hopefully you see what I mean.

Again, very sorry to have been so blunt, but I’ve done so with the sincere hope that it helps push you in the right direction. What I would suggest is linking up with writing groups or a critique partner if you haven’t already done that. Scribophile.com is fantastic and I couldn’t recommend it enough.

Best of luck, author! And have a great New Year.