Query Critique Round 1

I’d like to take a moment to thank my first victim lovely query-supplier for the chance to look over her letter (which she’d like me to disclaimer by saying she came up with and wrote in 2 minutes, which is pretty damn impressive considering the writing is so nice and tight—that last part was me speaking). Alright, let’s get started! My comments are in blue.

Original Query

Dear Agent Last Name,

            To do what is right, she has to neglect her heart. Twice.

Recaptured by the Primes, Ellanue is given a choice. Be sent to Earth to train the new Warden, preparing him for the incoming war, or be judged for her crimes and, most certainly, executed. For her honor, she would rather die, but because of a secret unfinished business, she accepts the offer.

            Though, convincing self-centered Blake of his own mission is a hard task, worsened only when people she thought as allies, ambush and betray. Heartbroken, Ellanue sets to face her enemies alone, even if the price is her own life.

            ENERGY is a new adult sci-fi romance complete at 75,000 words. It stands alone, but can be developed as first in a trilogy.

            I’ve taken five writing courses, two self-editing workshops, and I’m a member of RWA, FF&P, and Savvy Authors.

            Thank you for your time and consideration.

{Name and contact info redacted}

Query After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Agent Last Name,

            To do what is right, she has to neglect her heart. Twice. Nice opening

Recaptured by the Primes, Ellanue is given a choice. <Having read this over a few times, I’m wondering who the Primes are. I know you probably don’t want to give everything away in the query, but I’m afraid we do need a bit of orientation so this letter isn’t confusing or vague. I’m thinking something like ‘Recaptured by the Primes, the extraterrestrial police organization who’ve held her captive for the last twelve years, Ellanue is given a choice.’ Obviously inserting your own information in there. Also, a colon at the end of this sentence leading into the choice would work well. Be sent to Earth to train the new Warden, preparing him for the incoming war, or be judged for her crimes and, most certainly, executed. For her honor, she would rather die, but because of a secret unfinished business, she accepts the offer. Nice, I’m interested.

            Though, convincing self-centered Blake of his own mission is a hard task, however, worsened only when people she thought as allies, <Delete comma ambush and betray. <While I suspect there’s something interesting going on between Ellanue and Blake, I’m afraid this is again too vague. I’m sure you did this on purpose to intrigue the reader, but I’m worried that too many unknowns will have the opposite effect and make a reader lose interest. Just my opinion here, but I’d like to see more detail re: their history, his mission, and possibly a bit about her enemies. Your query clocks in around 155 words, so you certainly have room for expansion if you’re using the general 250-word limit rule (some say as high as 350 is okay). Heartbroken, Ellanue sets to face her enemies alone, even if the price is her own life.  Nice high stakes

            ENERGY is a new adult sci-fi romance complete at 75,000 words. It stands alone, but can be developed as the first in a trilogy. All good here.

            I’ve taken five writing courses, two self-editing workshops, and I’m a member of RWA, FF&P, and Savvy Authors. Nice credentials, me likey.

            Thank you for your time and consideration. Just another point here—this query arrived double-spaced. Query letters should be single spaced.

My apologies for all the blue--I'm wordy and also can't help myself. Overall a great start here that, with a bit of tweaking and detail-adding, I think has potential to lure in some agent interest. Thanks again for sharing J