Query Letter Critique

I'm beginning to be really offended that I don't have time to check my email, blog, and twitter from work. Like, what is this? Some sort of Intensive Care? 

Original Query Letter

Dear Agent,

When a powerful crystal necklace jumps from Rachael’s dreams into real life, echoed by a desperate plea, her world is turned upside down. Add in a book with no writing, a vanishing thief and a faery named Ki, and Rachael soon doubts her sanity.

Of course the townspeople have always doubted. Being a prodigy in an oppressive society is tough, but it’s nothing compared to the strange powers that are thrust upon Rachael when she puts on the necklace. 

Soon driven from her town, Rachael’s time is spent just trying to survive. Yet she can’t ignore the questions that arise.  There are similarities between her crystal and Satu Fae; the illegal fairy tale book she has kept hidden for years. And who is the strange man living in an ancient ruin, secretly drawing townspeople into the woods?

As an exile, Rachael has no way to warn the people of the darkness growing in the forest. As faithful followers of Shendi, God of Order, they don’t believe in magic. They can’t see the thousands of spirits trapped in nothingness. But if Rachael and her friends can’t stop impending disaster, the townspeople may witness the spirits’ desire to live once more; no matter the cost.

Crystallized, a fantasy for young adults is complete at 85,000 words and has been professionally edited.

I can be contacted at (email redacted). Thank you for your time and consideration,

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Agent,

When a powerful crystal necklace jumps from Rachael’s dreams into real life, echoed by a desperate plea, her world is turned upside down<Cliché alert! . Add in a book with no writing, a vanishing thief and a faery named Ki, and Rachael soon doubts her sanity.

Of course the townspeople have always doubted. <This reads as vague. I know it can be tempting to use this as a device in order to intrigue the reader, but it actually has the opposite effect and can be frustrating. Being a prodigy in an oppressive society is tough, but it’s nothing compared to the strange powers that are thrust upon Rachael when she puts on the necklace. Inneresting!

Soon driven from her town, Rachael’s time is spent just trying to survive. Yet she can’t ignore the questions that arise.  There are similarities between her crystal and Satu Fae; <This should be a colon and not a semicolon the illegal fairy tale book she has kept hidden for years. And who is the strange man living in an ancient ruin, secretly drawing townspeople into the woods? This is quickly becoming a jumble of plot. There’s no doubt that many aspects of the plot are intriguing, but as a whole this is confusing. I would resist the urge to mention every interesting thing that occurs in your book and try to narrow the focus down to a main plotline.

As an exile, Rachael has no way to warn the people of the darkness growing in the forest. As faithful followers of Shendi, God of Order, they don’t believe in magic. They can’t see the thousands of spirits trapped in nothingness. This is an example of detail that isn’t necessary in the query. But if Rachael and her friends<I thought she was alone in exile? can’t stop impending disaster, the townspeople may witness the spirits’ desire to live once more; <This semicolon is used incorrectly as well. I’d use either an em dash or a comma here no matter the cost.

Crystallized, <Title should be in all capital letters a fantasy for young adults is complete at 85,000 words and has been professionally edited<I’d have to ask an agent what his/her thoughts are about this part, but my instinct is to say that it wouldn’t matter whether or not a manuscript was professionally edited, just so long as it was good. I have lots of friends who are published (Oh, God, listen to me!), none of whom were professionally edited before acquiring an agent. It can’t hurt though, I suppose.

I can be contacted at (email redacted). <Your email address and other contact information should come below your name. Thank you for your time and consideration, <This should be a period not a comma.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

I can tell that there’s a whole lot  of awesomeness in your book, but it’s hard to sort it out because there’s just so much going on in the query, from the necklace, to the fairy thief, to the book, to the strange man drawing people into the woods, to the spirits—it’s too much for my brain to process in such a short letter. Maybe others feel differently? But my advice, like I touched on above, is not to try to cram so much into the letter in an effort to excite the reader, but to focus on the main plot. What does Rachael want more than anything? What does she have to do to get it? And what stands in her way? (Thanks, blog follower Rachel, for reminding me of this awesome rule!) Once you figure that out, try to slash anything from your query that strays too far from this focus.

Thanks for sending this in—I appreciated the chance to read it! And good luck with querying!

Handling Flashbacks, Plus Sol Stein Is Genius

So I’m in this weird limbo where I’m waiting for my edit letter, and I don’t want to start the sequel of my new book in case it changes the path of the sequel and I’m wasting my time, and I can’t focus on any other projects. So I decided that, what the hell, why not learn to write? I’ve never taken a course on writing nor read a ‘how-to’ writing book, but it seemed like as good a time as any to do just that.  It happened that, at that exact time, Amy Christine Parker, mentioned she’d picked up and was loving Stein On Writing by Sol Stein. Enter Amazon express shipping, and a day later I was the owner of this awesome book.

It’s awesome, ya’ll. Really awesome. I can’t even begin to describe how helpful it is. It’s not at all vague or high-brow or over my head, like I’d worried. It’s super easy to understand and very direct, citing actual examples of how you can improve your work. Every author should have this on their bookshelf.

But I digress. The flashbacks. Often when I’ve encountered a flashback in a book, I’ve been tempted to skim or jump a few pages. I’ve never really understood why until Sol told me:

‘The reason flashbacks create a problem for readers is that they break the reading experience. The reader is intent on what happens next. Flashbacks, unless expertly handled, pull the reader out of the story to tell him what happened earlier…if we are enthralled, we don’t want to be interrupted.’-Stein On Writing, by Sol Stein.

Immediate reaction? SHIT! I have a flashback in my book. MUST PRESS DELETE OR MY BOOK SUCKS AND NO ONE WILL BUY IT!  Then I read the rest of the chapter and settled down. Sol doesn’t say you can never use flashbacks—sometimes they are a very useful and even necessary tool.  But he does caution against it and lists some considerations for an author before going down that route. Oh, there is so much great information on how to handle flashbacks well that this chapter alone would be reason enough to pick up this book. A quick and dirty tip I picked out of the chapter ‘Flashbacks’:

‘Certain words should carry warning labels for the writer. “Had” is the number-one villain. It spoils more flashbacks than any other word. Most fiction is written in the straight past tense. When writing flashbacks, as quickly as possible use the same tense you’re using for the present scenes.’-Stein On Writing, Sol Stein

Let’s do an example.

I recalled the dream I had earlier in the week. I had been hiding in a darkened, abandoned shop. Suddenly, a horse had burst through the window and had started to kick me with its powerful legs. I hadn’t wanted to stab it, but it was attacking me.

Weird, right? That was my actual dream. An effing horse was attacking me and I had to stab it. Probably I should see a therapist. But back to the point! That paragraph had five ‘hads’ in it and was terrible.  Removing most of the ‘hads’ we get this:

I recalled my dream from earlier in the week. I hid in darkened, abandoned shop. Suddenly, a horse burst through the window and started to kick me with its powerful legs. I stabbed it purely out of necessity.

Okay, that’s terrible too. Better if you just read Sol’s book. (Geez, you’d think I was on Sol Stein’s payroll. Hint. Hint.)

Query Letter Critique

Work this weekend has been…just ugh. Nuff said.

Original Query Letter

Dear Ms. Smith,

Andover Pierce just celebrated his seventeenth birthday. Andy should be shooting free-throws. Going to prom. Chasing girls. Instead, his time has come to spin “The Family Wheel”.

Forty-five years ago, citizens of The United Sections of Settlebones lived in a disease-free country. Scientific and technological breakthroughs made it possible to cure everything from cancer to drug addiction. Sick children no longer died at the age of eight, addicts turned into executives, and families prospered. For the first time in the history of mankind, people simply were not dying.

Central Control, the governing body of Settlebones, began to realize the ominous consequence of science. They knew people were not supposed to live for 130 years. They could see houses being built upon houses. They needed to stop the mass over-crowding. They understood what they had to do in order to save Settlebones: Infect their own citizens with the same diseases that humanity worked for centuries to cure.

Upon a citizen's seventeenth birthday, it is legally required to travel to the Silver Loop and spin “The Family Wheel”. Nine pegs bear the names of mental and physical diseases. One peg bears the word “healthy”. Decisions are made. Options are available. At the Spinning Session, spinners are given the opportunity of passing their disease on to a family member and receiving the verdict of health. Central Control doesn't care which family member accepts the disease. They just need someone to die.

Andy and his group of friends, Alpine Terning, the ex-girlfriend he still loves, Cal Pollard, his best friend of ten years, and Walker Menton, his next-door neighbor, have all come of age. It's their time. They have decisions to make. Fates to change. Their world has been flipped upside-down.

“The Family Wheel” is a YA thriller that plays heavily on the themes of loyalty, family, strength, and love. Per your submission guidelines, a ten page sample of my manuscript is provided below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Ms. Smith,

Andover Pierce just celebrated his seventeenth birthday. Andy should be shooting free-throws. Going to prom. Chasing girls. Instead, his time has come to spin “The Family Wheel”. This is a pretty good para, but I feel like the opening sentence is a bit weak for a hook.

Forty-five years ago, citizens of The United Sections of Settlebones<Not to be rude, but this name sounds sort of…comedic?  lived in a disease-free country. Scientific and technological breakthroughs made it possible to cure everything from cancer to drug addiction. Sick children no longer died at the age of eight, addicts turned into executives, and families prospered.  Not necessary, and since your query clocks in at 328 words, it could stand to lose some fat (I know, I know, Nathan Bransford says 250-350 is the word count limit and I’ve cited this tons on my blog, but let’s be honest, he’s practically the only one who says over 250 is okay. On another note, addicts and executives aren’t mutually exclusive. There are lots of executives who are addicts today, and without a special cure for disease. Oh, the world we live in!  For the first time in the history of mankind, people simply were not dying.

Central Control, the governing body of Settlebones, began to realize the ominous consequence of science. They knew people were not supposed to live for 130 years. They could see houses being built upon houses. They needed to stop the mass over-crowding. They understood what they had to do in order to save Settlebones: Infect their own citizens with the same diseases that humanity worked for centuries to cure. The last two paras feel like a lot of backstory, which doesn’t belong in a query letter. I want to read about Andover and what happens to him, but what I’m getting is a history of Settlebones (Sorry if it sounds rude, which isn’t my intention at all. Perhaps I should eat a meal and then sleep? No. No, that’s no good). Personally I think you can lose most of the second and third para. I understand the need to explain backstory (But this is all stuff they need to know! I can’t lose any of it!), but really, the focus should be on the character and the challenges they face. That’s what’s exciting. A sentence or two max devoted to explaining the disease/overcrowding problem would be the most I’d suggest. Something like ‘When The United Sections of Settlebones discovered the cure for all disease, they didn’t bank on (the issues you stated). Their answer? Infect citizens with the same disease they’d worked for centuries to cure.’ And then on to the next para, outlining the stakes for Andover.

Upon a citizen's seventeenth birthday, it is legally required to travel to the Silver Loop and spin “The Family Wheel”. Nine pegs bear the names of mental and physical diseases. One peg bears the word “healthy”. Decisions are made. Options are available. At the Spinning Session, spinners are given the opportunity of passing their disease on to a family member and receiving the verdict of health. Central Control doesn't care which family member accepts the disease. They just need someone to die.

Andy and his group of friends, Alpine Terning, the ex-girlfriend he still loves, Cal Pollard, his best friend of ten years, and Walker Menton, his next-door neighbor, have all come of age.<I don’t recommend naming this many characters in a query letter. It’s not important and it can lead to confusion, especially when including their last names too.  It's their time. They have decisions to make. Fates to change. Their world has been flipped upside-down. <This falls a little flat for me for a few different reasons. ‘Their world has been flipped upside down’ is a cliché, and the last few lines are vague. I want to know what exactly what Andy has to do, and what he risks if he doesn’t succeed. 

“The Family Wheel” is a YA thriller <Word count isn’t mentioned. Was that in error or was it a purposeful omission? Because it’s a bit of a red flag—perhaps your book isn’t finished yet, and thus you don’t know the word count? Or maybe it’s 358,000 words and so you thought you wouldn’t mention that in the query? Possibly none of those are true, but that is what pops into my head. Also, this sounds dystopian. There's nothing wrong with that. Just sayin'. that plays heavily on the themes of loyalty, family, strength, and love. Per your submission guidelines, a ten page sample of my manuscript is provided below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

I apologize, author, for the abundance of blue all over your query letter. It’s not that your book doesn’t sound interesting—it really does! Very fun premise. I just think your query letter isn’t shining the best light on your book. You’re focusing too much on Settlebones and not enough on your main character and what he faces. You mention a love interest. You mention a best friend and a neighbor. You mention themes of loyalty and family. Those things are interesting! Perhaps you could expand one or more of those areas instead?

Thanks so much for sending this in. I really appreciate having the chance to look it over.

And we have a WINNER!!!

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who participated in the YA Books That Are Effing Awesome Contest. I only wish I could give everyone a prize, but unfortunately that would be costly and stupid, so it's just the one winner today, who will receive a copy each of Insurgent by Veronica Roth, Cinder by Marissa Meyer, and Under The Never Sky by Veronica Rossi. EEEK!

So without further ado, the winner is....

Laura Thomas!

Laura, I'll be contacting you via the email address you provided to arrange for shipment of your prize. HAPPY READING! And thanks again everyone for participating <3

Things That Are Awesome

Books! Books are awesome! Also Chris Hemsworth in armor and me, but that's beside the point. Back to the books--wouldn't it be cool if someone were giving them away for free? And if they were really, really effing awesome books that kept you up all night and made you neglect your family and possibly even your personal hygiene? Well, you're in luck! 


There's still one day left to enter my YA Books That Are Effing Awesome Giveaway. And trust me, you don't want to miss out. 


The prize consists of three YA books that I've recently read and absolutely adored. 

They are:

That's:

Under The Never Sky by Veronica Rossi

Insurgent by Veronica Roth

and Cinder by Marissa Meyer

Awesome! So how do you enter, you want to know? (Well I told you how last week, but I'll forgive you for not following my blog as closely as I'd like)

It's simple.

Rule #1- You must be a follower of my blog to enter.

Rule #2- Following my blog? Great. Now type your email address into the comments section to count as one entry. It's as easy as that, folks. But if you'd like to earn additional entries (up to four), you can do one of the following things:
     -Follow me on Twitter, and type your Twitter name into the comment box.
     -Tweet about this giveaway, and copy a link of your tweet into the comment box
     -'Like' my Facebook page, and type your Facebook name into the comment box


Contest is open worldwide.

Giveaway ends on Friday May 25th, 2012 at 8 p.m. EST. The winner will be chosen by Randomizer.


Good luck, y'all! 

Query Letter Critique

It's that time, y'all! 

Original Query Letter

Dear Agent:

Young witch Gemma Morrin's life takes a dangerous twist when a member of her ancestral coven asks her to hide a powerful grimoire. The book holds secrets of the past, present, and future with the unique ability to alter any moment in time.

With such power come dark forces willing to kill for it. 

Desperate to keep the book out of the clutches of the sinister wizard Cathaoir, Gemma must use her rare talent to alter perceptions to erase his memory of the powerful tome. Except – she can’t figure out how to get close enough to cast the spell without getting herself killed…



Between hiding the supernatural world from the mortal boy she's fallen for, dealing with her sister's tendency to create disaster whenever she waves a wand, and now being thrust into Cathaoir's terrifying orbit, sixteen year old Gemma is questioning whether a magical life is worth the sacrifice.



THE GRIMOIRE is an 86,000 word young adult fantasy. As I am an epidemiologist, the majority of my experience is with medical publishing. However, I have also e-published two romances, A DANGEROUS DREAM and NEVER TRUST A MATCHMAKING WITCH, which both received numerous 5 star reviews, including Reviewer Top Pick Awards from Night Owl Romance.

The opening ten pages of THE GRIMOIRE follow. Thank you for your time in considering my work.



Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Agent:

Young witch Gemma Morrin's life takes a dangerous twist when a member of her ancestral coven asks her to hide a powerful grimoire. Great opening line! The book holds secrets of the past, present, and future with the unique ability to alter any moment in time.

With such power come dark forces willing to kill for it. 

Desperate to keep the book out of the clutches of the sinister wizard Cathaoir, Gemma must use her rare talent to alter perceptions to erase his memory of the powerful tome. Except – she can’t figure out how to get close enough to cast the spell without getting herself killed…

So far so good. It’s obvious that you’re a talented writer, and the story is compelling. Actually, it reminds me of my own book! (Not the compelling part, though I like to think it’s that too, but the witches, evil sorcerers, witch-hunting bible that must be kept safe from said evil sorcerers part).

Between hiding the supernatural world from the mortal boy she's fallen for, dealing with her sister's tendency to create disaster whenever she waves a wand, and now being thrust into Cathaoir's terrifying orbit, sixteen year old Gemma is questioning whether a magical life is worth the sacrifice.

This paragraph, while well-written, doesn’t add much to the query letter, I’m afraid. While it’s interesting to learn of her love interest and her quirky sister, what I want to read about here are the exciting stakes. What does Gemma have to do, and what do she ultimately risk if she fails? Clearly lay that all out here.

THE GRIMOIRE is an 86,000 word young adult fantasy. As I am an epidemiologist, the majority of my experience is with medical publishing. However, I have also e-published two romances, A DANGEROUS DREAM and NEVER TRUST A MATCHMAKING WITCH, which both received numerous 5 star reviews, including Reviewer Top Pick Awards from Night Owl Romance. <The way this is worded sounds like you’re listing self-published novels. Upon further investigation, I discovered both books were published with e-book publishers. Is an agent likely to do this kind of investigation when in doubt, or will they just assume the books are self-published? I’m thinking the latter. For those considering putting self-published novels as credits on their query letter, I quote agent Adriann Ranta: “Being self-published doesn’t win kudos from most agents or editors as it doesn’t really mean anything. It doesn’t necessarily mean anyone else judged your writing worthy enough to disseminate (unless you have 10,000+ sales), but it might mean that your last project was so roundly rejected that you decided to publish yourself. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule: you’re a self-help guru that sells your own books at your conferences, you already have a gigantic platform and network of resources so a traditional publisher wouldn’t help much, etc. But if you just self-published an old novel you struck out on and sold 300 copies, don’t mention it in your query letter.” Oh, Adriann. You so smart. (But PLEASE, lovely followers, don’t take this as me saying self-publishing is less worthy somehow than traditional publishing, because I’m SO not.)

The opening ten pages of THE GRIMOIRE follow. Thank you for your time in considering my work.



Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Well, author, you’ve left me with very little to say here (aside from that GIGANTIC blue paragraph!). This query letter is pretty fantastic. It’s my guess that you’ll do well with this. Happy querying! 


And only 2.25 days left to enter to win a copy of Insurgent, Cinder, and Under The Never Sky! Free books=good.  

My Personal Pep Squad

Inspired by Amy Christine Parker's  blog post about her writing cheerleaders, I decided to give a shout out to some of my own.

Ruth Lauren Steven

Anyone following my blog has heard of Ruth Lauren Steven. She’s an author of ridiculously amazing books for teens, and is represented by Julia Churchill of The Greenhouse Literary Agency. She’s also my critique partner. But way before all of that, Ruth and I were just a couple of newbie authors on the writing website Writersbeat.com. After a brief online fisticuffs initiated by me (Seriously, I am such a bitch), Ruth and I began exchanging chapters of our books. Not long thereafter, we became the best of friends. Over the course of two years, Ruth has read Every. Single. Word I have ever written, from the hilarious beginning, when I thought it was a good idea to start a book describing weather, to the twelve versions of The Witch Hunter’s Bible, and yet somehow seems to want to read more. Even though she has 4 kids and her own books to write, she always happily critiques every thing I send her way, as soon as I’ve sent it her way. Her advice is completely invaluable, spot on, honest, and effing hilarious.

Writing aside, I can (and do) email Ruth about anything and everything, without ever having to worry about censoring what I say because it’s horribly politically incorrect and just plain horrible, because I know that Ruth will never judge me, and will likely respond with at least two f-bombs to my one. I’ve never even met Ruth, but she’s one of my closest friends. I’m so lucky to have her, and back off she’s mine.

Brandy Allard 

Like Ruth, my twin sister Brandy has read every single word I’ve ever written. But unlike with Ruth, I have Brandy’s phone number and therefore can harass her about my books via phone calls and text message, in addition to email. You’d think she’d get annoyed of me begging for help fixing plot issues or forcing her to hear my ten thousand New Ideas, but if she does she’s very good at hiding it with squeals and happy clapping. From Day 1, Brandy has always been my biggest writing supporter. She read my first book, and even though I trunked it, she never once wavered in her belief I’d be a bestselling author one day. Every new chapter of The Witch Hunter's Bible I sent her way got sent back within twenty minutes time, along with an amazing, detailed critique. She has an astounding ability to spot plot holes and areas of weakness big and small, as well as a talent for making me feel good with her various exclamations marks, LOLs, LMFAOs, and ‘this is totally getting published’.  She also plotted my whole novel. 


Have I mentioned Brandy’s my biggest supporter? She arranged a family dinner to celebrate my first publication (a short story in a obscure magazine). Yet another dinner, this time with a gift basket of, like, a zillion bestseller books, along with a card that said my book would be in there soon, after I’d landed my agent. And got my whole family to pitch in for a freaking MACBOOK PRO when I got my book deal. I know, right? I couldn’t ask for a better cheerleader, sister, or friend. 

Brandy’s also a talented author of YA fiction. You’ll be hearing more about her soon, and not just from me. I’m sure of it.

Adriann Ranta 

I’ve loved my agent Adriann Ranta from my very first communication with her, when she requested to see my full manuscript if it was still available. If it was still available! As in, she thought it might not be. But I knew Adriann was the agent for me during our first telephone conversation, when she gushed profusely about my book much in the way that I would about a book I loved. Which is to say, a lot. She has a talent for finding just the right thing to say to both warm my heart and make my ego grow twelve times its size (which my family and friends don’t thank her for). Adriann strikes a perfect balance between serious and fun. She also has an impressive editorial eye, a sound business mind, and an insane work ethic. Plus she got me a book deal with Random House. So yeah, love her.  

There are others, of course. But they’ll have to wait to read the acknowledgements page of The Witch Hunter’s Bible, because this post is long enough already. Speaking of the acknowledgements page, I just finished a solid chunk of mine with this post! Hells yeah! 


And don't forget to enter my contest, in which one lucky follower of my blog will win a free copy of Insurgent, Cinder, and Under The Never Sky!

Query Letter Critique

It’s that time again!

Original Query Letter

Dear Agent

The only world that sixteen year-old Isadora Priess knows is her Mistress's tower. A decade ago, she was brought to live there for her own protection. Isadora suffers from vivid nightmares that only Mistress is able to cure, via "Removals" that strip away her dreams.

After everything that Mistress has given her, the one thing Isadora fears more than her nightmares is losing Mistress's trust.

Then Taylor, Mistress's brilliant protégé and Isadora's best - and only - friend, returns from University determined to show Isadora the city beyond the tower. Their trip outside, and the friends that Taylor introduces her to, catalyzes a stream of questions about her life in the tower. Questions that Isadora never wanted to have. When her nightmares recur, Isadora's search for answers becomes all the more urgent.

For the first time, she doubts Mistress's intentions. As the carefully constructed web of deceit starts to unravel, and she begins to understand the true nature of her dreams, Isadora must decide if she will continue to submit herself to the Removals, or join with Taylor's rebellious group of friends.

Isadora has a third option, but it's the most frightening to consider: using her mysterious talents to forge her own path to freedom.

CASSANDRA'S DAUGHTER is a young-adult science fiction novel, complete at 72,000 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

(Name and contact info redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Agent

The only world that sixteen year-old <There should be hyphens between all of those words. As in ‘sixteen-year-old’. And let the nitpicking begin! Isadora Priess knows is her Mistress's tower. <Feels like something is missing from this sentence. Suggestion: ‘The only world that sixteen-year-old Isadora Priess knows is the one inside her Mistress’s tower’. A decade ago, she was brought to live there for her own protection. Isadora suffers from vivid nightmares that only Mistress is able to cure, via "Removals" that strip away her dreams. This is interesting, but I’m not sure all the pieces are fitting together for me. I get that the Mistress is helping her with the vivid nightmares, but why does she need protection, and why does this help mean she can’t leave the castle?

After everything that Mistress has given her, the one thing Isadora fears more than her nightmares is losing Mistress's trust. I don’t think you need this bit. The reveal later in the query, where Isadora doubts the Mistress’s intentions, would be more exciting, in my opinion, without the foreshadowing.

Then Taylor, Mistress's brilliant protégé and Isadora's best - and only - friend, returns from University determined to show Isadora the city beyond the tower. Their trip outside, and the friends that Taylor introduces her to, catalyzes a stream of questions about her life in the tower. Questions that Isadora never wanted to have. When her nightmares recur, Isadora's search for answers becomes all the more urgent. This paragraph is really good. Super intriguing!

For the first time, she doubts Mistress's intentions. As the carefully constructed web of deceit starts to unravel, and she begins to understand the true nature of her dreams, Isadora must decide if she will continue to submit herself to the Removals, or join with Taylor's rebellious group of friends. This. Is. Awesome!

Isadora has a third option, but it's the most frightening to consider: using her mysterious talents to forge her own path to freedom. Yup.

CASSANDRA'S DAUGHTER is a young-adult science fiction novel, complete at 72,000 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

(Name and contact info redacted)

Aside from a few bumpy areas near the beginning that could use ironing out, this is a very good query letter. The plot is so unique and fun and intriguing. I’d buy this. Even more so if the cover were pretty and had bright colors and sparkles. I’m mature like that.

Awesome job, author! Thanks for sending this along. 

And everyone don’t forget to enter my contest, in which I’m giving away a free copy of Insurgent, Cinder, and Under The Never Sky! See the post below this one for full details. 

YA Books that are Effing Awesome Giveaway!

I've read SO MANY great books lately that just harping about them on my blog and Twitter and Facebook doesn't seem like nearly enough to convince you all of how strongly I feel. So I've decided that, what better way to force the books I love on the people I love than to give them away for free?

Yup. I'm hosting my first ever blog giveaway. And what is the prize, you ask? (Calm down, I was getting there).

The prize consists of two YA books that I've recently read and absolutely adored, plus Insurgent, the sequel to Divergent by Veronica Roth (like you needed me to tell you that), which I haven't read yet but I'm sure I will also adore.

So, to sum it up, the prizes are:

That's:

Under The Never Sky by Veronica Rossi

Insurgent by Veronica Roth

and Cinder by Marissa Meyer

Awesome! So how do you enter, you want to know? (Seriously, settle down, I was just going to tell you!)

It's simple.

Rule #1- You must be a follower of my blog to enter.

Rule #2- Following my blog? Great. Now type your email address into the comments section to count as one entry. It's as easy as that, folks. But if you'd like to earn additional entries (up to four), you can do one of the following things:
     -Follow me on Twitter, and type your Twitter name into the comment box.
     -Tweet about this giveaway, and copy a link of your tweet into the comment box
     -'Like' my Facebook page, and type your Facebook name into the comment box


Contest is open worldwide.

Giveaway ends on Friday May 25th, 2012 at 8 p.m. EST. The winner will be chosen by Randomizer.

Fun times!

Query Letter Critique: A Retry

As promised, for your reading enjoyment, the recipe query letter, Round 2….


For those who are interested, here is the first attempt.

Original Query Letter

Dear [Literary Agent],

Superpowers had not changed the one thing Jimmy Ranfaz hated; he was still average.

Jimmy, a daydreaming teenager from Earth, has always been ordinary at everything. When the tree-descendant super-powered people from Ulfitron pick him to be their new saviour, he believes he finally has a chance to be special. Apparently being the doppelganger of their previous hero makes him powerful enough to stop a returning nemesis, Enshreto, who wants to annihilate the Ulfitronians.

He begins training in psionic abilities only to discover that he is average at handling them as well. As his frustration mounts, an attack wipes out almost everyone he knows on the planet. Only Juvall Spelding remains. A powerful Ulfitronian, his disdain of Jimmy's limited abilities is only outstripped by his determination to save his people.

When they learn of an even bigger invasion looming, their only hope of saving Ulfitron lies in tracking down the legendary trees which hold unlimited knowledge. But within the journey lies a deep deception. One which betrays everything that Jimmy has been told about the previous battle and also reveals his own true origins. With time running out, Jimmy must decide where his priorities lie; the heroism in attempting to save countless people or choosing to pursue limitless power to finally rise above mediocrity.

EVOLUTION: THREADS OF CONTROL is a 90,000 word YA high fantasy novel with a scientific flavour and is stand-alone with series potential.

The complete manuscript is available on request. [I have attached the first five pages for your perusal.]

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear [Literary Agent],

Superpowers had not <I’d stick with all present tense, personally changed the one thing Jimmy Ranfaz hated; he was still average. Pretty solid opener. Now nitpick time. I would actually do a colon over a semicolon, and an em dash over both of those.

Jimmy, a daydreaming teenager from Earth, has always been ordinary at everything. When the tree-descendant super-powered people from Ulfitron pick him to be their new saviour, he believes he finally has a chance to be special. Apparently being the doppelganger of their previous hero makes him powerful enough to stop a returning nemesis, Enshreto, who wants to annihilate the Ulfitronians. This is really good!

He begins training in psionic abilities only to discover that he is average at handling them as well. As his frustration mounts, an attack wipes out almost everyone he knows on the planet. Only Juvall Spelding remains. A powerful Ulfitronian, his disdain of Jimmy's limited abilities is only outstripped by his determination to save his people. I might reconsider naming so many characters in your query letter, especially when those names are confusing and hard to pronounce/remember. You don’t want the agent getting stuck on names when it’s really not the most important thing. On another note, I think Jimmy’s motives are starting to become unclear beginning in this paragraph. Jimmy was originally from Earth, correct? So that would mean all of his family and friends died in this attack, which to me would be a catastrophic life event. That doesn’t come across here. Especially not with the ‘even bigger invasion looming’ sentence that follows. Why does Jimmy care more about Ulfitron? I think some sort of clarifying sentence or two to say that he’s devastated, but has to overcome his emotion because of the threat to more lives (or whatever his motivation is), would make this much stronger.

When they learn of an even bigger invasion looming, their only hope of saving Ulfitron lies in tracking down the legendary trees comma which hold unlimited knowledge. Knowledge of what? How would this knowledge help them? I think that’s a bit unclear. But within the journey lies a deep deception. One which betrays everything that Jimmy has been told about the previous battle and also reveals his own true origins.<I can see what you’re trying to do here, but I’m afraid this sort of vagueness is frowned upon as it’s confusing and doesn’t have the effect you’re probably aiming for, which is to intrigue the reader. I would delete it, but again, it’s totally up to you. With time running out, Jimmy must decide where his priorities lie; the heroism in attempting to save countless people lives at the risk of his own, or choosing to pursueing limitless power to finally rise above mediocrity. Sorry. Got a little snip-happy there. With regards to the last sentence, I’m assuming the limitless power is as a result of what they discovered from the trees. If that’s the case (which I hope it is because that’s a fun idea, especially with the whole ‘it pains him to be average’ thing), then I think you need a sentence between the first one, and the last, replacing the one I cut, to state that clearly, without any vagueness. You and others are welcome to disagree.

EVOLUTION: THREADS OF CONTROL is a 90,000 word YA high fantasy novel with a scientific flavour and is stand-alone with series potential.

The complete manuscript is available on request. [I have attached the first five pages for your perusal.] <I hope you don’t plan on attaching documents with your query letter! Big no-no. Agents automatically delete emails with attachments unless they’ve been specifically requested. If you’d like to include a sample, do so by pasting the pages directly into the email below the query letter.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you. All good here!

Kind Regards,

(Name redacted)

Author, I cannot tell you enough how much of an improvement this query is over the recipe one. In the last attempt, the format was the focus, whereas your story is the focus in this one. I’m so happy you decided to give it another go, and even happier you decided to share it with me and my readers. Good luck, and thank you! 

Does Being An Author Affect How You Read? Also, I’m Really Picky and I Will Now Suffer You To Hear All About It

The answer to that question is yes. Absolutely, yes.

There are about a zillion ‘pros’ to being an author, including but not limited to inflicting my opinion on the world, naming villains after those who’ve wronged me in the past, and becoming rich and famous (Just kidding! Hehe…) But if there is one con, it would have to be losing the ability to get completely lost in a book. Okay, that, and public speaking *shudder*.

I’m generally a rather picky person, but there has been a definite and noticeable shift since becoming an author in how closely I analyze a book. It’s much harder now to slip into a fictional world and let myself be taken away when I’m so hyperaware of ‘the rules’, and of clichés, and of the writing process in general. Often I find myself thinking, ‘Well, there’s a unique way to insert a character description I’ve never thought of,’ or ‘I would have done it this way’, or ‘Note to self: do not have character release a breath she didn’t realize she was holding’. I could go on, but I think you get the point. An author has to do a REALLY good job in order to impress a fellow author (Or at least me).

(On that topic, I just finished reading Under The Never Sky by Veronica Rossi and it was EFFING FANTASTIC!!! So you all should read it. A review to follow soon.)

But I digress.

One of the things that I’ve learned since becoming an author is to be very careful about starting a sentence using the present participle (-ing) because often times it doesn't make sense, or doesn't convey the meaning the author intended for it to. For example:

‘Brushing my hair, I go downstairs and cook breakfast.’

Terrible example, yes, but I think it serves its purpose. You can’t simultaneously brush your hair and cook breakfast. Or else you can, but it would be difficult and weird and probably dangerous. The problem here is that you can’t begin a phrase using the present participle (that is, with an –ing verb) unless that action happens simultaneously with whatever action happens next in the sentence (unless of course the author were to clarify the timing of the actions by saying ‘after’ at some point).

So while the following sentences DON’T work:

‘Starting the car, I speed down the highway.’ (Because you can’t start the car and speed down the highway at the same time).

‘Kicking off the covers, I get out of bed and take a shower.’ (Because, while you can kick off the covers at the same time as you get out of bed, you can’t take a shower while you do all that).

‘Sucking in a breath, I let out a blood-curdling scream.’ (Because you can’t inhale at the same time as you exhale).

The following sentences DO work:

‘Letting out a blood-curdling scream, I run down the alley.’

‘Running for my life, I begin to question my decision to not exercise all my life.’

‘Kissing Edward, I run my fingers down his arms. His huge, muscly arms.’

See, all those sentences begin with actions, which can simultaneously happen with the rest of the action (s) in the sentence.

Whew! Thank you for bearing with me during that boring talk. I appreciate it.

As you might have guessed, this has become a little pet peeve of mine. It gets in the way of me enjoying an otherwise lovely novel, which is too bad, because I do see this problem quite a bit. Which brings me back to my original point that being an author affects how you read a book. I might never have noticed the present participle issue before.

My critique partner Ruth Lauren Steven has accused my hatred for this style of writing as knowing no bounds. It’s true. Maybe I should relax? But probably not. Probably best I tell as many people as I can about my pet peeve, hope it lessens the amount of books out there containing it, and then get frustrated while reading books that do. YAY to responsible adult decisions!

So how about you, fellow writers? Do you have any pet peeves as a reader?

Book Review: The Disenchantments by Nina LaCour

I don't often read contemporary YA, but I had to make an exception here. Firstly, because this book came highly recommended by a friend whose opinion I value. And secondly (Okay, firstly), the cover and title are awesome. And guess what? This book was awesome. Not just a great contemporary YA, but among the best YA of any genre that I've read in a long time. So I take this as direct evidence that I should continue to judge books by their covers and be otherwise very shallow. YAY!

The blurb of The Disenchantments by Nina LaCour, from Goodreads:

Colby and Bev have a long-standing pact: graduate, hit the road with Bev's band, and then spend the year wandering around Europe. But moments after the tour kicks off, Bev makes a shocking announcement: she's abandoning their plans - and Colby - to start college in the fall.

But the show must go on and The Disenchantments weave through the Pacific Northwest, playing in small towns and dingy venues, while roadie- Colby struggles to deal with Bev's already-growing distance and the most important question of all: what's next?

Morris Award–finalist Nina LaCour draws together the beauty and influences of music and art to brilliantly capture a group of friends on the brink of the rest of their lives.

The Disenchantments is told from the perspective of Colby, brand new high school graduate cum roadie in an all girls band. Now I've read more than a few male-led YA novels and, to be honest, have had trouble connecting with the main characters. Don't ask me why, because I don't know exactly. And who cares, because that wasn't the case with this book. It was impossible to not connect with Colby. He was refreshingly complex, authentic, and engaging, and LaCour's brilliant writing made the intensity of the emotion in what I view as a coming-of-age novel really come to life. And holy eff were there emotions!


Not only has Colby just finished high school, which is overwhelming and scary in and of itself, but he is suddenly faced with the news that his best friend has been lying to him for years, has screwed him over royally, that in spite of this he's in love with her, that she doesn't love him back, and that life doesn't always turn out the way we've planned. And it was all so effing heartbreaking, and raw, and real that I just wished I could jump inside the book and hug Colby. Or else have a pity make out session with him. Or slap that Bev for doing all the hurtful things she'd done to him (Except that Bev's flaws were part of the charm of the book--she's imperfect, and Colby loves her anyway, which is endearing as well as true to life).

Anyone who's ever felt the horribleness of unrequited love will completely get this book. But that shouldn't make readers shy away from reading it. Because there's much more to this book than heartbreak. LaCour perfectly blends the fun and adventure of a road trip with the sadness of things coming to an end with the hope of new beginnings. How she did it, I've yet to discover. I may have to read more of her books to find out.


Other things I loved about this book:

-This book is so hip it made me want to dye my hair pink, get another tattoo, go on a road trip in a VW bus, graffiti a building, watch obscure French films, and listen to Sleater-Kinney.

-Jasper. He's not a main character by a long shot (in fact, he's maybe in 5 pages total of the book), yet somehow LaCour managed to make him so real that I burst into happy tears when a certain something happens in the book involving him which I shan't discuss further.

-A certain basement scene that made me laugh out loud

-The fact that Bev is bisexual, and it's not a big deal in the book, and Colby's friends Alexa and Meg have gay dads, and that isn't a big deal either.

-And...you know what? Just read it. I could go on forever here.

Query Letter Critique

Apologies in advance to any readers who aren’t into numerous query critiques in the span of two week’s time, but I love them, and there are just so many! Plus, who’d want to have to wait weeks upon weeks for a query critique? I know I wouldn’t. So here’s another, which means just one more in the trusty old inbox (The recipe query, round 2, if you care to know. Fun!)

Original Query Letter

Attn. Ms. (Agent):

Martin Dufresne didn’t believe in demons until his girlfriend Sam tried to sacrifice him to one. But when Sam dies after opening an inter-dimensional portal, Martin winds up saddled with an irreverent, centuries-old imp named Abe. Luckily for Martin, Abe draws the line at eating humans. Dogs, on the other hand …

With no way of sending Abe back to his own dimension, Martin struggles to control the voracious little fiend while Abe—who claims to be invisible to most humans—sets out to enjoy his unexpected break from the demonic grind. On any given day, hiding Abe from the residents of San Sebastian would be stressful enough, but with the annual Founder’s Day festival fast approaching, Martin is one masticated mutt away from losing it.

To make matters worse, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter start investigating Sam’s unusual demise. As the unlikely trio closes in on the truth, a local religious zealot puts into motion his secret plan to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end. By the time everyone’s paths converge, Martin and Abe will learn that demons and dynamite do not mix.

THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy. Though I worked as a reporter for two years, I have never attempted to raise a demon. Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Attn. Ms. (Agent):

Martin Dufresne didn’t believe in demons until his girlfriend Sam tried to sacrifice him to one. The switch from past tense to present tense threw me here. I’d stick to present tense, as it’s preferred for queries. On another note, your opening line is good but could be stronger. I think it could pack more punch if you broke it up a bit. Say, for example, ‘Martin Dufresne doesn’t believe in demons. That is, until his girlfriend tries to sacrifice him to one’. Notice I cut out the girlfriend’s name? I don’t think you need it, especially since you mention two other characters by name. Makes for a confusing query, imo. But feel free to disagree, as always! But when Sam dies after opening an inter-dimensional portal, Martin winds up saddled with an irreverent, centuries-old imp named Abe. Luckily for Martin, Abe draws the line at eating humans. Dogs, on the other hand …

With no way of sending Abe back to his own dimension, Martin struggles to control the voracious little fiend while Abe—who claims to be invisible to most humans—sets out to enjoy his unexpected break from the demonic grind. On any given day, hiding Abe from the residents of San Sebastian would be stressful enough, but with the annual Founder’s Day festival fast approaching, Martin is one masticated mutt away from losing it. I’m not sure it’s clear why the Founder’s Day festival is important here. Is it because the town is full of tourists or something? If so, I think it wouldn’t hurt to mention that.

To make matters worse, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter start investigating Sam’s unusual demise. As the unlikely trio closes in on the truth, a local religious zealot puts into motion his secret plan to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end. By the time everyone’s paths converge, Martin and Abe will learn that demons and dynamite do not mix. Now seems like a good time to mention that the author told me this book is told from multiple points of view. Others may totally disagree, but to me not knowing that (and perhaps even knowing that), this paragraph seems a bit confusing, in that there is so much happening that digresses from the main character. I mentioned in an older query critique this link to a query letter featured on Query Shark, which The Shark cites should be the template for all books told from multiple POVs. I agree. In fact, I have an idea: stop the query letter after the second paragraph, add in a sentence or two about the stakes, which I always think should be clearly laid out at the end of a query for maximum effect (What does Martin need to do, and what does he risk if he fails?), then something like ‘THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy as seen from six (or whatever) points of view: Martin, Abe, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter investigating Sam’s unusual death, and the religious zealot who wants to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end.

THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy. Though I worked as a reporter for two years, I have never attempted to raise a demon. Cute! Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

So even though I’ve, once again, plastered this query in blue, it is, once again, not a reflection on how good the query is. It’s not bad at all, but I do think it could benefit from a few changes here and there to take it to the next level.

Thanks, author, for letting me have a look at this. Very kind (and brave!) of you.

Curious to see what others have to say!