Query Letter Critique

Apologies in advance to any readers who aren’t into numerous query critiques in the span of two week’s time, but I love them, and there are just so many! Plus, who’d want to have to wait weeks upon weeks for a query critique? I know I wouldn’t. So here’s another, which means just one more in the trusty old inbox (The recipe query, round 2, if you care to know. Fun!)

Original Query Letter

Attn. Ms. (Agent):

Martin Dufresne didn’t believe in demons until his girlfriend Sam tried to sacrifice him to one. But when Sam dies after opening an inter-dimensional portal, Martin winds up saddled with an irreverent, centuries-old imp named Abe. Luckily for Martin, Abe draws the line at eating humans. Dogs, on the other hand …

With no way of sending Abe back to his own dimension, Martin struggles to control the voracious little fiend while Abe—who claims to be invisible to most humans—sets out to enjoy his unexpected break from the demonic grind. On any given day, hiding Abe from the residents of San Sebastian would be stressful enough, but with the annual Founder’s Day festival fast approaching, Martin is one masticated mutt away from losing it.

To make matters worse, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter start investigating Sam’s unusual demise. As the unlikely trio closes in on the truth, a local religious zealot puts into motion his secret plan to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end. By the time everyone’s paths converge, Martin and Abe will learn that demons and dynamite do not mix.

THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy. Though I worked as a reporter for two years, I have never attempted to raise a demon. Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Attn. Ms. (Agent):

Martin Dufresne didn’t believe in demons until his girlfriend Sam tried to sacrifice him to one. The switch from past tense to present tense threw me here. I’d stick to present tense, as it’s preferred for queries. On another note, your opening line is good but could be stronger. I think it could pack more punch if you broke it up a bit. Say, for example, ‘Martin Dufresne doesn’t believe in demons. That is, until his girlfriend tries to sacrifice him to one’. Notice I cut out the girlfriend’s name? I don’t think you need it, especially since you mention two other characters by name. Makes for a confusing query, imo. But feel free to disagree, as always! But when Sam dies after opening an inter-dimensional portal, Martin winds up saddled with an irreverent, centuries-old imp named Abe. Luckily for Martin, Abe draws the line at eating humans. Dogs, on the other hand …

With no way of sending Abe back to his own dimension, Martin struggles to control the voracious little fiend while Abe—who claims to be invisible to most humans—sets out to enjoy his unexpected break from the demonic grind. On any given day, hiding Abe from the residents of San Sebastian would be stressful enough, but with the annual Founder’s Day festival fast approaching, Martin is one masticated mutt away from losing it. I’m not sure it’s clear why the Founder’s Day festival is important here. Is it because the town is full of tourists or something? If so, I think it wouldn’t hurt to mention that.

To make matters worse, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter start investigating Sam’s unusual demise. As the unlikely trio closes in on the truth, a local religious zealot puts into motion his secret plan to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end. By the time everyone’s paths converge, Martin and Abe will learn that demons and dynamite do not mix. Now seems like a good time to mention that the author told me this book is told from multiple points of view. Others may totally disagree, but to me not knowing that (and perhaps even knowing that), this paragraph seems a bit confusing, in that there is so much happening that digresses from the main character. I mentioned in an older query critique this link to a query letter featured on Query Shark, which The Shark cites should be the template for all books told from multiple POVs. I agree. In fact, I have an idea: stop the query letter after the second paragraph, add in a sentence or two about the stakes, which I always think should be clearly laid out at the end of a query for maximum effect (What does Martin need to do, and what does he risk if he fails?), then something like ‘THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy as seen from six (or whatever) points of view: Martin, Abe, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter investigating Sam’s unusual death, and the religious zealot who wants to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end.

THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy. Though I worked as a reporter for two years, I have never attempted to raise a demon. Cute! Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

So even though I’ve, once again, plastered this query in blue, it is, once again, not a reflection on how good the query is. It’s not bad at all, but I do think it could benefit from a few changes here and there to take it to the next level.

Thanks, author, for letting me have a look at this. Very kind (and brave!) of you.

Curious to see what others have to say!