Query Letter Critique

Work this weekend has been…just ugh. Nuff said.

Original Query Letter

Dear Ms. Smith,

Andover Pierce just celebrated his seventeenth birthday. Andy should be shooting free-throws. Going to prom. Chasing girls. Instead, his time has come to spin “The Family Wheel”.

Forty-five years ago, citizens of The United Sections of Settlebones lived in a disease-free country. Scientific and technological breakthroughs made it possible to cure everything from cancer to drug addiction. Sick children no longer died at the age of eight, addicts turned into executives, and families prospered. For the first time in the history of mankind, people simply were not dying.

Central Control, the governing body of Settlebones, began to realize the ominous consequence of science. They knew people were not supposed to live for 130 years. They could see houses being built upon houses. They needed to stop the mass over-crowding. They understood what they had to do in order to save Settlebones: Infect their own citizens with the same diseases that humanity worked for centuries to cure.

Upon a citizen's seventeenth birthday, it is legally required to travel to the Silver Loop and spin “The Family Wheel”. Nine pegs bear the names of mental and physical diseases. One peg bears the word “healthy”. Decisions are made. Options are available. At the Spinning Session, spinners are given the opportunity of passing their disease on to a family member and receiving the verdict of health. Central Control doesn't care which family member accepts the disease. They just need someone to die.

Andy and his group of friends, Alpine Terning, the ex-girlfriend he still loves, Cal Pollard, his best friend of ten years, and Walker Menton, his next-door neighbor, have all come of age. It's their time. They have decisions to make. Fates to change. Their world has been flipped upside-down.

“The Family Wheel” is a YA thriller that plays heavily on the themes of loyalty, family, strength, and love. Per your submission guidelines, a ten page sample of my manuscript is provided below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Ms. Smith,

Andover Pierce just celebrated his seventeenth birthday. Andy should be shooting free-throws. Going to prom. Chasing girls. Instead, his time has come to spin “The Family Wheel”. This is a pretty good para, but I feel like the opening sentence is a bit weak for a hook.

Forty-five years ago, citizens of The United Sections of Settlebones<Not to be rude, but this name sounds sort of…comedic?  lived in a disease-free country. Scientific and technological breakthroughs made it possible to cure everything from cancer to drug addiction. Sick children no longer died at the age of eight, addicts turned into executives, and families prospered.  Not necessary, and since your query clocks in at 328 words, it could stand to lose some fat (I know, I know, Nathan Bransford says 250-350 is the word count limit and I’ve cited this tons on my blog, but let’s be honest, he’s practically the only one who says over 250 is okay. On another note, addicts and executives aren’t mutually exclusive. There are lots of executives who are addicts today, and without a special cure for disease. Oh, the world we live in!  For the first time in the history of mankind, people simply were not dying.

Central Control, the governing body of Settlebones, began to realize the ominous consequence of science. They knew people were not supposed to live for 130 years. They could see houses being built upon houses. They needed to stop the mass over-crowding. They understood what they had to do in order to save Settlebones: Infect their own citizens with the same diseases that humanity worked for centuries to cure. The last two paras feel like a lot of backstory, which doesn’t belong in a query letter. I want to read about Andover and what happens to him, but what I’m getting is a history of Settlebones (Sorry if it sounds rude, which isn’t my intention at all. Perhaps I should eat a meal and then sleep? No. No, that’s no good). Personally I think you can lose most of the second and third para. I understand the need to explain backstory (But this is all stuff they need to know! I can’t lose any of it!), but really, the focus should be on the character and the challenges they face. That’s what’s exciting. A sentence or two max devoted to explaining the disease/overcrowding problem would be the most I’d suggest. Something like ‘When The United Sections of Settlebones discovered the cure for all disease, they didn’t bank on (the issues you stated). Their answer? Infect citizens with the same disease they’d worked for centuries to cure.’ And then on to the next para, outlining the stakes for Andover.

Upon a citizen's seventeenth birthday, it is legally required to travel to the Silver Loop and spin “The Family Wheel”. Nine pegs bear the names of mental and physical diseases. One peg bears the word “healthy”. Decisions are made. Options are available. At the Spinning Session, spinners are given the opportunity of passing their disease on to a family member and receiving the verdict of health. Central Control doesn't care which family member accepts the disease. They just need someone to die.

Andy and his group of friends, Alpine Terning, the ex-girlfriend he still loves, Cal Pollard, his best friend of ten years, and Walker Menton, his next-door neighbor, have all come of age.<I don’t recommend naming this many characters in a query letter. It’s not important and it can lead to confusion, especially when including their last names too.  It's their time. They have decisions to make. Fates to change. Their world has been flipped upside-down. <This falls a little flat for me for a few different reasons. ‘Their world has been flipped upside down’ is a cliché, and the last few lines are vague. I want to know what exactly what Andy has to do, and what he risks if he doesn’t succeed. 

“The Family Wheel” is a YA thriller <Word count isn’t mentioned. Was that in error or was it a purposeful omission? Because it’s a bit of a red flag—perhaps your book isn’t finished yet, and thus you don’t know the word count? Or maybe it’s 358,000 words and so you thought you wouldn’t mention that in the query? Possibly none of those are true, but that is what pops into my head. Also, this sounds dystopian. There's nothing wrong with that. Just sayin'. that plays heavily on the themes of loyalty, family, strength, and love. Per your submission guidelines, a ten page sample of my manuscript is provided below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

I apologize, author, for the abundance of blue all over your query letter. It’s not that your book doesn’t sound interesting—it really does! Very fun premise. I just think your query letter isn’t shining the best light on your book. You’re focusing too much on Settlebones and not enough on your main character and what he faces. You mention a love interest. You mention a best friend and a neighbor. You mention themes of loyalty and family. Those things are interesting! Perhaps you could expand one or more of those areas instead?

Thanks so much for sending this in. I really appreciate having the chance to look it over.