Query Letter Critique

It’s that time again!

Original Query Letter

Dear Agent

The only world that sixteen year-old Isadora Priess knows is her Mistress's tower. A decade ago, she was brought to live there for her own protection. Isadora suffers from vivid nightmares that only Mistress is able to cure, via "Removals" that strip away her dreams.

After everything that Mistress has given her, the one thing Isadora fears more than her nightmares is losing Mistress's trust.

Then Taylor, Mistress's brilliant protégé and Isadora's best - and only - friend, returns from University determined to show Isadora the city beyond the tower. Their trip outside, and the friends that Taylor introduces her to, catalyzes a stream of questions about her life in the tower. Questions that Isadora never wanted to have. When her nightmares recur, Isadora's search for answers becomes all the more urgent.

For the first time, she doubts Mistress's intentions. As the carefully constructed web of deceit starts to unravel, and she begins to understand the true nature of her dreams, Isadora must decide if she will continue to submit herself to the Removals, or join with Taylor's rebellious group of friends.

Isadora has a third option, but it's the most frightening to consider: using her mysterious talents to forge her own path to freedom.

CASSANDRA'S DAUGHTER is a young-adult science fiction novel, complete at 72,000 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

(Name and contact info redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Agent

The only world that sixteen year-old <There should be hyphens between all of those words. As in ‘sixteen-year-old’. And let the nitpicking begin! Isadora Priess knows is her Mistress's tower. <Feels like something is missing from this sentence. Suggestion: ‘The only world that sixteen-year-old Isadora Priess knows is the one inside her Mistress’s tower’. A decade ago, she was brought to live there for her own protection. Isadora suffers from vivid nightmares that only Mistress is able to cure, via "Removals" that strip away her dreams. This is interesting, but I’m not sure all the pieces are fitting together for me. I get that the Mistress is helping her with the vivid nightmares, but why does she need protection, and why does this help mean she can’t leave the castle?

After everything that Mistress has given her, the one thing Isadora fears more than her nightmares is losing Mistress's trust. I don’t think you need this bit. The reveal later in the query, where Isadora doubts the Mistress’s intentions, would be more exciting, in my opinion, without the foreshadowing.

Then Taylor, Mistress's brilliant protégé and Isadora's best - and only - friend, returns from University determined to show Isadora the city beyond the tower. Their trip outside, and the friends that Taylor introduces her to, catalyzes a stream of questions about her life in the tower. Questions that Isadora never wanted to have. When her nightmares recur, Isadora's search for answers becomes all the more urgent. This paragraph is really good. Super intriguing!

For the first time, she doubts Mistress's intentions. As the carefully constructed web of deceit starts to unravel, and she begins to understand the true nature of her dreams, Isadora must decide if she will continue to submit herself to the Removals, or join with Taylor's rebellious group of friends. This. Is. Awesome!

Isadora has a third option, but it's the most frightening to consider: using her mysterious talents to forge her own path to freedom. Yup.

CASSANDRA'S DAUGHTER is a young-adult science fiction novel, complete at 72,000 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

(Name and contact info redacted)

Aside from a few bumpy areas near the beginning that could use ironing out, this is a very good query letter. The plot is so unique and fun and intriguing. I’d buy this. Even more so if the cover were pretty and had bright colors and sparkles. I’m mature like that.

Awesome job, author! Thanks for sending this along. 

And everyone don’t forget to enter my contest, in which I’m giving away a free copy of Insurgent, Cinder, and Under The Never Sky! See the post below this one for full details.